“You know what Jams My Cams? Pants.  Hear me out.  Pants are the most underappreciated and under-served climbing clothing.”

I wrote that line more than a few years ago in the early days of the blog, thinking it was a stupid concept from the start. More on that later.

Go to any climbing competition worth its salt, and along with your 30, ok, 50 dollar entry fee (friggin inflation), you will receive a “free” t-shirt. At this point I literally have enough “free” t-shirts to wear one every Friday for a year, and then some. In your prize pack for podiuming? Probably another t-shirt, this one from a sponsor.  Probably stuffed inside a chalkbag because you might not have one five of those yet.

The best thing about t-shirts? Look at all the best climbers in the movies, or in your gym.  Are any of them wearing a shirt?  Of course not!  When its sending time, everyone is Captain Cotton Allergy. Can’t have that shirt weight dragging you down. I mean look over there – Dave Wetmore isn’t even wearing pants.

The same does not go for beanies.  Beanies, as we all know, provide a -2 modifier to gravity, and are essential to sending. Beanies are also given out like candy at climbing comps, with or without pom-pom. For those summer months, ball caps are also available, and that much easier to throw out into the crowd since they have the bill that converts them into a frisbee. It’s also known that puffy jackets are essential (even if I prefer my flannel house-jacket) to the climber look, some comps even award these as highly coveted prizes.  And obviously climbers need shoes too, and if you do particularly well, you may win yourself a gift certificate for a pair, probably of your least favorite brand (looking at you Mad Rock).

I know I’ve focused on things that are handed out, but consider the coverage.  Head – covered.  Torso – double covered.  Feet – covered.  Bum? Hanging out in the wind (FORESHADOWING).  You never get freebie pants.  Part of it I get, I do – pants are more like shoes than hats or shirts, one size does not fit all, or even most. Just try finding 28×36 jeans for my climbing prodigy brother – no that’s not a typo. 

I thought maybe people just didn’t care about pants – I always just wore swim trunks, or sweats, or flannel lined jeans. Seriously, a pair of $15 Op 4-Way Stretch swim trunks will last (nearly) forever and work fine, and for colder climates, Target house-brand “hiking pants” are more than sufficient. I’ve seen guys send V13 in cut-off jean shorts. Apparently, people do care about pants however. At least once a week as I surf Reddit, I see a comment “what pants are those?”, “which pants should I buy?”, or “bro I have those same pants”. I buy almost all my clothes used as it is, and if $50 is too much for jeans I wear daily, you better believe $80+ ain’t in the budget for those prana or E9s that turn heads.

When I started this article years ago, I didn’t appreciate pants. I wore jeans, swim trunks, or sweats that I have cut down to capri length, complete with velcro brush-holder swatch. My go-to Walmart swim trunks had a minor hole near the pocket, but whatever. Until it happened. 30 minutes into an 8 hour outdoor comp, I slid safely down a damp boulder on my rear, and my dear friend-petitor Landon said to me,  

“Not to alarm you, but you got a hole in your pants”.  

No big deal, I knew about the tiny hole near the pocket. Not so. I spent the rest of the day

• trying desperately to tape the now gaping flap shut with athletic tape,
• warning potential spotters that they may not want to spot and no ‘at-least-you’re-wearing-underwear’ does not apply to this situation,
• knowing when my tape job had failed due to the groans from below,
• and suffering the well natured ribbing from an understanding spotter I’ll only refer to as “B”.

Eventually I managed to make it back to a Spot-a-Pot and tape both the inside and outside thoroughly, but the damage was done. I was, moreso than ever, “That Guy”.

All was not lost however. Showing my love to the SCC and the Access Fund, I bought a sizeable number of raffle tickets, and sure enough, won.My prize was an Organic scratch pad, and through some bizarre karmic intervention, a pair of pink, hipster patterned, runner length shorts, which I immediately donned to the relief of all who worried about my shoddy taping skills. They aren’t my style at all, I’d never pick them off the rack, but I wear them nearly every time I climb now.

The universe has spoken, and I will listen – pants matter. Underwear, eh, 50-50 on that.  

Justin Meserve is a special sort of special, in that apparently he’s oblivious to the suddeny “breezy” nature of his failed attire.