So you want to compete? Well, take it from me, it’s a good time. I’ve lost track of how many competitions I’ve been in over the last 17 years, but it’s a lot, rising from 10th place in Novice allllll the way up to “that guy does alright”. Even taken home some hardware. Allow me to share my patent-pending Thirty-Seven Step^TM process. I’ll be talking about indoor redpoint-format bouldering competitions where they take your best five climbs – there are many other wonderful formats out there, but this is a common one. With that out of the way, just sit back on that crashpad and let me tell you how a seasoned competition veteran like myself gets it done.

1. Find a comp – check the bulletin board at the gym, or the internets
2. Clear your schedule – an out of town competition is the perfect excuse to skip that social event!
3. Decide on a category – Hopefully, you fit nicely in one of the categories. The organizers will likely bump you if you’re too strong. If you’re thinking about “Open”, you have no business reading here for advice.
4. Sign Up – Have your credit card number ready
   1. Select “Free” T-Shirt size – the correct answer is Smedium.
5. “Train” – Easily the least important step

6. Put pens in your chalkpot – Never can find a pen when you need it. Top Tip: Invest in a clipboard. We’re professionals around here.
7. Layout your gear – shoes, chalkbag, pens, brush, spare shoes, spare chalk, spare brushes
8. Layout your clothes – my personal kit is t-shirt, shorts, flannel lined jeans, housecoat, fluffy socks, Sanuks.
9. Get a good night’s sleep – HA!
10. Wake up, get dressed, and leave on time – “On Time” means arriving 30 before sign-in starts
11. Realized you’re low on gas, stop at Wawa – RoFo is for heathens and Sheetz is for those who don’t have access to Wawa.
12. Realize you forgot food – Purchase bananas, Clif bars, and Iced Teas at the Wawa

13. Arrive at venue and sign in – PUT YOUR NAME ON YOUR SCORE CARD NOW
14. Sign waiver(s) – Make sure your in-case-of-emergency is someone that’s local and will answer the phone. Your mother loves you but can’t help much from hours away.
15. Suss out the boulders – Walk the area and make notes, which look sandbagged, which look feather bagged, in style\out of style. Categorize – what do you need to be fresh to power through early, what’s a stretch-goal, what’s the “fallback”. Mentally prepare for them to be way easier, or more likely way harder, than they look.
16. Power Dump – The morning’s coffee is kicking in and it’ll help you shed that last crucial bit of weight. Well, that and flexing core while touching cloth is miserable
17. Change – Dressed how I do, you don’t even need a locker-room, just drop your outer layer.
18. Put on your shoes – If you’re smart, the were warmed up in the car or in your jacket.
19. Warm up\Stretch – I’ve never done this, but people say its a thing
20. Listen to announcements – Climbing is dangerous. Holds may spin\break. Don’t cheat. Keep your grubby fingers out of the holes in the wall.
    1. Begin the vibing – Its at this point, if you’re the type to rock\bounce\sway to unheard powermetal for the sake of psyche, you should start.
21. Horn sounds – And we’re off to the races! Maybe you have 2 hours, maybe you have 7, either way it’s never long enough
22. First boulder – You’ve already warmed up. Time is limited. This should be a moderately hard but flashable climb, because if things go wrong it might still be on your card at the end.
23. First and Second Hard boulder – These are the first two of the five you selected from your to-do list. Shouldn’t be the hardest or the easiest, but two out of the middle.
24. Flash pump – It will hit around now. You will panic. You will realize the horn sounded like, 10 minutes ago and you’re 3 climbs in. Slow down.

25. Hardest boulder – Its up to you where to place this, I usually get to it somewhere in the middle three
26. 4th “hard” boulder – Its at this point you will go for the “second-hardest” from your list and realized its waaaay harder than you thought it was. Sandbaggery of the highest order. Pivot before you burn out and knock the “easiest” of the 5 off the list now.
27. Panic – Things aren’t going to plan. Watch the clock. Debate how long to rest between burns on this monstrosity you “should” be able to do.
28. Assess competition – Look around. Did that kid in the red shirt do the black one that you didn’t? Yea? But you didn’t see them do the white slab… so add 50, but then subtract for the slab, carry the 100…..
29. Drink water – Realize your Nalgene hasn’t been opened and you’re parched. Take care of yourself.

30. Fallback boulder – Before its too late, find something to knock the boulder from #22 off your card, because even if you can’t climb the hard-hard, you can still climb harder than your warm-up.
31. Hail Mary – Spend the last 15 minutes throwing yourself at the sandbag. Maybe you’ll get it. Maybe you won’t. Don’t give up until they call ‘last climb’. Pace your attempts for maximum probability of success.
32. Turn in Scorecard – Its over, for better or worse. The die is cast. What will happen will happen.
    1. Tonight, on a very special episode of Crank Climbing – No seriously. Something everyone should realize about climbing comps – they aren’t about being the best. They’re about doing your best. You can have your best day ever and depending on who else shows up that might mean a podium, or it might mean last, and you can’t control who shows up (legally). If you legit tried your hardest, you’re a winner in our book, regardless of how you end up ranked.
33. Eat that Banana – Totally forgot you had that, didn’t you?
34. Mill about – The pace slows way down, as the criminally underappreciated staff furiously log things in Excel and sort and look for cheaters and sandbaggers. Say hi to people. Be friendly. Join the collecting lament because none of us finished everything we wanted to.
    1. Raffles! – Seriously, these support local initiatives and you can win cool swag. If you got a little change, buy a few.
35. Eat 2 dinners – You’ve earned it.

36. Watch Finals – Dinner and a show! Sit back, drink a beer, and watch the mutants do battle.
    1. Cheer – Seriously, those people worked hard. Make sure you cheer extra hard for the first folks out, chances are the climbers at the end are the elites that came in, flashed the 5 hardest, and went for tacos. The person who just barely squeaked in likely was pushed to their limit to earn the honor.
37. Collect winnings – Even if you didn’t win anything, hang out to clap for those that did. Next time it could be you.

38. Drive home – I know, I said 37 steps, so this one is optional. You’re exhausted. See if the venue owner will let you sleep on a crashpad