Without further delay, the 6 best and worst people you meet at climbing comps, 20% more than those top 10 lists everyone else does, for the same great price:

6. The Worst: The guy/gal that doesn’t turn in a scorecard
This person puts out somewhere between 3 and 10 times what it would cost for a normal day in the gym or the park, and then ensures they won’t win anything beyond a raffle prize by scrapping their scorecard. Somewhere between 3 and 7 hours of hard pulling effort all for nought. Sure, they were having a bad day, but I’ve always felt like taking a zero because you couldn’t get the score you wanted is giving in to your ego, and letting your self-esteem pay the price.

6. The Best: The guy/gal that doesn’t turn in a scorecard
I know, do actions matter, or does intent count for anything? This person is just there to have a good time, and be around people. Seen most at outdoor comps, they are excited to finally get beta on stuff that nobody else ever wants to climb, or get a spot if they are usually out solo. Maybe they are just lonely, but I like to think they are out there solely for the love of the sport. Plus, selfishly, it’s one more registrant that I am going to beat.

5. The Worst: The Hard Swag Pitcher
Who doesn’t love free stuff, tossed lovingly into the crowd? I don’t even have to climb hard to still go home with something. T-shirts? Awesome! Chalkbags? Doubly Awesome! J-Tree Samplers? Not cool! Nothing like a hard plastic container, the size of a bottle cap, appearing suddenly passing through the spotlights, before disappearing into the darkness beyond, just in time to strike you in the skull. Or a chalkbrush sent twirling into the masses, spinning like a lame ninja star. Clif Bar minis get half a pass because those are at least edible. Actual candy? Full pass.

5. The Best: Beta Friendly Competitors
Speaking strictly for “Flash” style competitions here, I appreciate someone who is willing to engage me in conversation when I ask, “How was that climb?” I don’t need a complete run-down, but it’s always nice to know if one part of a hold is better than another, or if the lip is narrow or wide, etc.  By the same token, I am more than happy to share what worked for me, or what I’ve seen\heard works for other people. I’ve even given sequence beta to someone who used it to knock me down a position – after 10 years competing at various levels I could just read sequences faster\better than they could. While it might have cost me, I prefer knowing I beat someone at their best.

4. The Worst: Projectile Beta Vomiters
This is the unsolicited version of the previous person.  Worse yet, they’ll spout something while you are on the wall; a party foul at best, a disqualifying event at worst.  Many a time have I seen a strong climber, more than capable of sending, paralyzed by someone shouting beta at them.  Rather than cruising through, there the hang locked off, desperately trying to find that “left foot” that some fool (or group of fools) keeps shouting about.

4. The Best: Captain Positivity
Who doesn’t love a cheerleader?  This person encourages everyone, both on and off the wall, and generally seems happy to be there. Always handy with a word of encouragement, giving fist-bumps when you send, and lifting you up with a “you’ve got that next time for sure” when you don’t.  Cheering for you by name in the moments you think you’re about to come off. Did I mention that you don’t actually know this person (yet)? They just gleaned your name from the other cheers or the judge that called you up.

3. The Worst: The One Trick Setters
You come into the comp with a plan, your going to send a solid card of V6s.  As you preview the wall though, you notice something.  Everything from 600-699 points is comprised of microcrimps top to bottom. No big thuggy moves on slopers, no pinch squeezing on overhangs, no mini-jug hauls through long roof sections. Just crimps. Variety is the spice of life, and without a little it can come down to a game of whose strengths the setters played to that day.

3. The Best: The Setters
Its a hard, thankless job. You do it wrong, and people complain, you do it right and they may not even notice.  So wrapped up in competition, people rarely take time to appreciate a well set problem, but they are quick to rag on moves they didn’t like. Finals are even worse, having to set progressively harder problems that drive separation between the finalists, but still give the audience a handful of sends. Ever seen a setter after a final where every competitor fell in a different spot? They look like a proud parent.

2. The Worst: Captain Slow
You know him.  You’ve only got 3 hours, and there are long lines, plenty of time to sit between burns. Captain Slow never seems to have his shoes on when his name is called. Once he’s got that much together, he approaches the wall, and even though they’ve been sitting a few feet away for the last few minutes, seems to sequence the climb for the first time, chalk up, sequence again, chalk up again. Watching, you suddenly realize why the lines are so long.

2. The Best: (Good) Judges
Judging is a hard job. Judges share the competitors ups and downs, and have to make the hard calls. Yes you dabbed, no you didn’t hang on long enough to have controlled the hold. Good judges can motivate you to climb harder without sharing beta with phrases like “I think you should focus your focus, and use strategy.” Feeling down at the last comp, frustrated that I’d slipped off the last move of a climb I desperately needed, as I contemplated taking my scorecard in search of easier points, but the judge’s words of “you’ve got it, hon”, convinced me to stay and throw myself it once more.

1. The Worst: The Rage Monster
The Rage Monster is the one person you don’t have to look for at a comp. Just listen for the expletives being shouted when they don’t sent, or the sound of a pole-brush clattering violently after being thrown.  Prepare to be doused in chalk as buckets are kicked, and in the case of peer-judged competitions, to be met with a cold glare when your route passes too near whatever they are flailing on. A finalist storming out of the gym after a poor showing, without even watching the rest of the field work through the problems, is the ultimate incarnation of the Rage Monster.

1. The Best: The Volunteers
Volunteers are the Best. The people are truly in it for the love, and to share the sport, spending the day not-climbing, so that you can. I’ll even lump the gym employees and sponsors in there, because without them there would be no comp. Especially that poor employee who gets saddled with desk duty, somewhere out of view of finals. They work all day for a t-shirt and a few slices of pizza, and don’t even get the satisfaction of scraped up ankles, a twisted back, and aching fingers…..  wait a minute….  Maybe they are smarter than the rest of us.

Chaotic Neutral Award: The Honor System People
We’ve all been this person. You top out at a peer judged comp, and unless there is a posse of friends with you, there’s a 40% chance that only one person saw you. Now you wander around, asking people in vain, until you meet someone who gives you a solid look in the eye, weighs the moral fiber of your being, along with the rest of the scores on your card (soooo you sent a bunch of 3’s and ticked off this 10 while I had my back turned?) and makes a call. The distraction level of a peer judged comp makes this role a necessary evil. That said, if you lie to get a signature on your card, you’re a terrible terrible person. To prevent this whole situation, just do what I do – let out my best Sharma war cry on every move to get people to look over.  PASSAT!

-Cranky Climber
He may have a lot to say, but this month’s Cranky Climber has your best interests at heart. Whether you are looking for a spot on the gnarliest of highballs or seeking for that second signature, he has your back.