Great News! Crank Climbing is expanding and we’re in the market for new personnel! Due to career changes facilitating a move, a position has opened up here at the Baltimore office. Roles, responsibilities, and compensation discussed below.
Ok, real talk. Much like the last time one of our partners moved away for work, we’re writing about the loss of a climbing partner. Rather than be all ‘serious’ and ‘articulate’ like Tylor was the last time, I’m going to be shallow and selfish, and talk about what it would take to replace him in my (climbing) life.
Wanted: Spotter for the End of the World
Experience Required:
- 15 years climbing experience
- 20 years as a friend
Essential Duties
- Spotting – the most crucial duty. Must be familiar with optimal pad placement, crux locations, fall trajectories, probabilities, physics, and higher level spotting techniques such as the bear hug, butt-shove, and ninja-spot.
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| Dude, theres a bolt! |
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| So? |
- Belaying – On rare occasion when you can cajole staff into it. Staff reserves the right to grumble.
- Competition Psych – Comps are part and parcel with Crank Climbing. You will arrive with the team, engage your fellow competitor with good humor and respect, and remember that you’re there to do your best, not to be the best. Bring your try-hard.
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| Exacto Knife |
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| Hammer |
- Logistics – Firm understanding that we here at Crank run on “ish” time. 5AMish is anywhere between 4:50AM and 6:30ish
- CDL A Level Driver’s License – Must be capable of piloting a 5000lb boat down the highway at 80+mph. Steering is vague and accomplished on the Ouiji Board principle.
- Must bring a tent for each trip, only to acquiesce to “why don’t we just sleep in the back of the wagon?”
- Grubmaster – Must pack tasty, healthy, non-pretentious snacks. Fruit, Clif Bars, and gummies are all acceptable. Organic free-range quinoa fritters will be used to level low spots between pads.
- Beta Creata – You can spray all the beta you’ve seen other people use, because odds are those people are of a completely different morphology that the current staff. Staff will ignore your suggestions until literally all other options, easier and harder, have been attempted.
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| Damn it Tylor, I can’t reach that, and even if I could its not a hold. |
Desired Traits
- Iron Stomach – Diner Food the day before AND the day after an 8 hour comp? Living on instant oatmeal, PB&J, and Mountain House for days in a row? Par for the course.
- Must be comfortable sharing 4’x8’ sleeping quarters in a station wagon infested by Arachnida tectum latratus (North American Barking Tent Spider).
- Keeper of the tunes – your iPod should contain a range inclusive of Lana Del Ray, St. Vincent, Monster Magnet, and Ministry, at a minimum
- Anyone who knows all the words of Alice’s Restaurant moves to the front of the line
- Conversationalist – Forget talking about the news, the economy, religion, you need to be able to hold a conversation about climbing. Ok, not about climbing, but about the meta of climbing. What do grades even mean? Who is going to win the coming gym wars? Is red-tagging ok? Is the NKR1 the greatest hold ever shaped? Remember that time…….?
- Quotable – should be able to make references and quote the great works of our generation: The Simpsons, Tombstone, RvB, DBZA, Firefly, Aliens, Terminator 2, Hard Grit, Reel Rock Tours, etc.
- A Good Attitude – Your new partner will actively seek out climbs in the guidebook that say “SCARY” or “NUTS”. Your new partner will generally consider anything more than 2 crashpads excessive. Your new partner will not stick clip. The pragmatic need not apply.
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| Casual Sunday on the Montlake Golf Course |
Compensation
- Recommendations for the most awesome boulders
- Begrudging belays
- Co-pilot for extended car rides
- Use of the company vehicle, crash pad collection, and DVD library
- Stoke
- Beta that works only for someone 10% shorter and 5% burlier than you
I’ll be honest, without Tylor (know aliases: El Tylastro, Cool-Kid-Tylor-Streett, Tylor Streett-ta-ta) leading the way, sometimes pulling, sometimes pushing, I wouldn’t be half the climber I am today. I, legitimately, might not be a climber at all. I got way more out of the deal (tomato, egg, bacon, and avocado on wheat toast!) than he ever got out of me – a bruised tailbone when I pushed him away from the pad and encouragement to try climbs that have resulted in numerous injuries. He used his time at competitions both to do well for himself, and selflessly to help me by burning his valuable time trudging to lonely boulders and providing a spotsignature. We can talk about anything, and have been there for each other’s triumphs and defeats, the very brightest and some of the darkest, in climbing and in life. We have common ground in a shared a scout troop, a high school, and numerous life lessons (seriously, don’t date equestrians).
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| 2005 – So young. So full of hope. |
For this reason, my joy that he’s going to move closer to some of the best climbing in the country, for a wicked awesome job he’s made for, far outweighs my sadness and self-pity of losing my spotterco-pilot, regardless of what’s written above. Its been a hell of a ride, and its not over by a longshot.
Look out Alabama!
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| Godspeed good buddy, see you in the South |
